I just want to belong... My story...
Hi. First I want to say that this is really long for a reason, sorry about it, but I'm really grateful to anyone who reads it till the end, thank you.
It's been so long since I've known what to do with my life and currently- everything is so broken and in pieces, that I decided to share it in hope I maybe get any answers at all..
My story begins 4 years ago. At the time I was in 8th grade(now I'm 17 and in the 11th). That's when my life first changed, when everything slowly began going to sh*t... A couple of days after my birthday, which is in autumn, my grandfather passed away. It was my first time witnessing death in such a way, so I didn't really know what to do. Before that turning point, my life has only been about computers. I never really felt like my family wanted me. Especially my father.. I never felt like I had any real friends, though I did have people beside me, I guess.. The night when my grandfather died, I got left in the room with his lifeless body, and had the opportunity to say my farewell undisturbed. I went close to his bed, where he was laying, got my goodbye and bended over and kissed him on the forehead. That's the moment where I think I snapped.. The kiss was cold, which is understandable, but it's what changed me. Even now, I think it just... altered my existance... my fate, destiny or something... After that, I don't remember much of the night. It's like I lost conciousness, even though not physically. Only thing I remember is going to the sofa in the living room, laying on it, crawl into a circle shape, and just lay there... Don't know for how long. The only other memory of that night is going home, crying, and then waking up the next morning. It was a school day, and despite what had happened, I went to school. Every fiber of my existance felt different though... It was like I had opened my eyes to everything, and now I could see all the misery, pain, hunger, despair, sadness and just general darkness of the world around me... Maybe it's because I've been avoiding real life for so long, that now when I had been revealed to the true nature of it, everything just came bursting in... All of what I could see and feel, just by looking at random strangers on the street, their empty eyes, the homeless people all around me, not even knowing them, just seeing... It was all too much for me... At the time I had 3 of my closest friends back then next to me. We went to different schools, but we talked over Skype and played all sorts of games together every day. They were there, and they knew of what had happened, but I just couldn't bring myself to it to tell them about the rest of it, and the new me... I wasn't sure I even understood myself at the time.. But despite all of the bad I was seeing around me, that's not the worst part. I mentioned not being close with my father, ever... Well that's when I actually started noticing it... I started thinking how we've never been close at all, and even for these 4 years that've passed since then, I still have no memory of his smile, ever laughing with him, or anything like that... He's never been interested in what I did, how I was doing at school or anything that, which actually matters... Sure, I'm grateful for the clothes, the food, the roof above my head, and all the physical technology needs(like my PC for instance) that I had, but even now, I would trade ALL of that, just to spend a day, knowing what having an actual father means... I know saying all of this is selfish, and that some people don't even get to meet their fathers, or lose them, but it's so much worser knowing that he's there, and he hates you... And on top of everything, being able to see that hate in his eyes each time you look into them... That just crushed me... I didn't know what to do, I didn't know why he was like that, I fell into a huge depression and I felt like it was over for me... I talked to my friends, but they just couldn't make anything of it.. Hell, I don't think I would have... And that's when I met him...
In my country, when you finish the 7th grade, you enter highschool and because my primary school wasn't a highschool too(it was only till 7th grade), I was at a new one when everything happened. So apart from everything that was happening to me, I also had to deal with the new school, teachers, people... But I'm kinda glad for that.. Even though my story will take a different turn soon, I'm still glad That happened! My literature teacher! He was my salvation... At first, I didn't think much of him, but that was before everything happened. During my depression, I still went to school, and it seemed like his classes were the only thing that could take my mind off of everything... The thing is that he is also a writer and a poet. I've come to agreement now that maybe what I had back then was just me growing up... But back then I thought it was some kind of a gift, or curse, or just... something different... And I didn't know why it chose me.. But he had the same thing. Either ways, if it was growing up- he was an adult, and if it was something different, he was a poet- so he had it too... I saw it in his eyes- he knew about all that I had seen too, and that he could see it the same way like me.. But despite that, he was always smiling, cheerful, caring, always believing in the light.. He, as a teacher, was something to all of us, that my father never had been for me... And that made me overlook things... Try and fight everything.. I got into poetry too. That helped control everything by expressing my feeling into words, by reading poetry and novels about it. It helped me understand. He helped me understand. He was the reason I got into poetry, and he was kind of like my life teacher, apart from the literature teacher job. I talked to him almost every time after classes, and he always welcomed me with a smile, and listened to what I had to say.. He helped me believe that the light existed, and I just had to keep fighting and not giving up until I found it.. Eventually I felt like I wanted him to be my father... And I know that's selfish too, but sometimes the heart knows so much better than the mind, and that's what it told me... ...
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ChaosTrigger